Thoughts of pain.

[Tobias116]

This is a poem i've written, I hope you like it.

Thoughts intertwine, meaningless words of lies and hate.
How much I have to suffer, for another's lack to create.
A meaningful life and happiness and joy.
I've been deceived and played with as a worthless toy.

If my mind and body are dust and sand you wouldn't care.
Because you can't create, feel or live because to you that is rare.
My mind is like dusk, you stole my sunrise.
My body is like stone, you created my demise.

If I would've chosen before you, you would've been joyful.
But you chose for both of us, now I am hateful.
I am scared that I will collapse in sorrow.
Because I fear, that for you then, it would be now tomorrow.

You lied, you lied to me, said you loved me, but you lied.
Now my inside has broken, withered and died.
Other people aren't conscious to your acts.
But they'll understand once they listen to the facts.

You will feel the pain I felt or even worse.
I'll make sure of that, since I don't feel any remorse.

Your name is Emma.
My name is Tobias, i'm the owner of this dilemma.
And you will never corrupt me again.

[Woo]

I thoroughly understand the subject matter, its pretty damn close to home right now...
I really like the use of rhyming couplets, and you've done a good job. I would only suggest working on continuity and the complexity. some of the sentences had a little too much in them. other than that, fantastic job. keep it up. ^^


(Once again, I love your name)

[Tobias116]

Thanks, i've never gotten any real feedback from other poets.
I write lyrics in the band i'm in, but production has stopped lately.
I mostly write growling lyrics, and if you know what growling is, you also know it is "explosive".
Growling is meant to deliver long, deep messages with speed, like rap, but without the beat, and faster.

This poem isn't completely pieced together, as every piece of text, is a feeling, they should be read as a "separate story" and not as a whole. But that's not really how poems work... xD