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Author Topic: Would this make a good story???  (Read 886 times)
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Airy
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« on: January 13, 2010, 03:03:36 PM »

I want to branch off of this and write something big but i'm not sure if its any good so please say if you think it is or isnt! Please be as honest as you can!!! If you like it i will put my other one on too! Grin

This one is kind of gory , not that bad just a little bit of blood...>_> <_<, but it is needed in order to show what all is happening.

The Code of the Sacred Stones: The Emerald Heart


Prologue
 
The moon was high in the sky, its sweet rays bathe over the beautiful lake and lone silhouette of a young girl. Five rivers adjoin to create the lake and nourish the surrounding meadow.  Four of the five rivers lead into the lake from each direction. North. South. East. West. The fifth and final river came from the girls’ body. The girl took a deep breath, closed her eyes and slowly raised her arms above her head. The water instantly obeyed and leapt into the air, weaving and lacing into itself like women dancers. With a smile she unfolded her beautiful wings and lifted into the air leaving behind her a trail of sparkly dust. For a while she just weaved herself into the design. She stopped at the top of the beautiful braided water figure-thingy. She opened her mouth and... The crash woke me up. I sat up quickly not knowing what the heck was going on but I knew that I was going to find out.  I got out of bed and grabbed one of my pocket knifes (even though as I would later find out that I didn’t need Mortal weapons anymore) and walked towards my door. “Please don’t be the dream. Please oh please oh please,” I whispered to myself as I walked down the hallway. Was some one really in the house? Why weren’t my WAY to overprotective parents up yet? I asked myself making sure to stay quiet as I moved through our giant house. Then I saw why my rents’ hadn’t come running out of their glorious bedroom when some one had broken a window. There they were just like I saw them in my dream. Lying in a pool of theirs and something else’s blood. Resisting the urge to scream and run the opposite way I ran to their lifeless bodies’, tears stung the edges of my eyes. “No. Oh God no,” I whispered as I turned their too pale faces to mine. I already knew that unfortunately it was too late for my parents, but not for me. Leaving their bodies’ behind I stood up, dried my now pitch black dark as a starless night eyes, and walked towards the kitchen where the murderer was. This time they wouldn’t get away with hurting (or in this case killing) some one that I loved, this time I was going to make them pay. The hard way. I flicked open my pocket knife and held it firmly in my hand “Its time I show the world what I’m really made of,” I thought to myself. After all if was about time that all Immortals learned that, I, Princess Airy was back. Ready to kill. Ready to protect.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2010, 03:37:59 PM by Airy » Logged
Sigfried
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2010, 03:06:33 PM »

the material itself looks very good, needs a bit of polish, but still very good

what i recommend is to clarify what kind of plot you want to make, because from one point it looks like phantasy, then the next looks like modern world, and then it shifts back to high phantasy

once its decided what kind of story you want to make, you can keep threading the story  Wink
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with love from the hatred


« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2010, 03:54:38 PM »

i agree with sigfried but when u go to make the story and u leave that as a prologue i dont recommend starting the first chapter or anything from there. like i said in the pm maybe keep it as to get the reader hooked, or just to show wat will be happening.. its wht i tend to do, then just start the story a few days earlier or however long and lead up to it. it will help the story kinda tie together and make more sense then just starting there
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Go tell the World I’m still around
I didn’t fly, I’m coming down
You are the wind, the only sound
Whisper to my heart
When hope is torn apart
And no one can save you ~
Airy
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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2010, 09:01:50 AM »

Chapter one actually starts two weeks after it...
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